Forget transport and housing policy. Hayden Donnell dons his sorting hat to uncover the only info on the Auckland mayoral candidates that truly matters.
We’ve found out a lot of personal stuff about the Auckland mayoral candidates during this heart-stopping election campaign. Her Warship Penny Bright cleans her hoardings with senior nappies. John Palino knows the one person responsible for our city’s Len Brown sex nightmare, but will not reveal the culprit’s identity. Chlöe Swarbrick is 22 years old. Phil Goff has somehow been running his campaign while locked in a single unshakeable multi-decade-spanning coitus.
Despite all we’ve found out, one crucial set of data has remained buried, obscured under an ocean of information on transport, housing, and how many stray St Heliers cats each candidate is willing to rehome.
Today, The War for Auckland can exclusively reveal the Hogwarts houses of all the leading Auckland mayoral candidates. No longer will these secrets be hidden away like horcruxes in a dark seaside cave. Is Phil Goff a closet Slytherin? Does Chlöe Swarbrick swear fealty to the house of Rowena Ravenclaw? Is Vic Crone really… Vic Crufflepuff?
We went in search of answers, bombarding the candidates with pleas to take the authoritative Hogwarts house quiz on Pottermore. Everyone but Penny Bright and John Palino eventually agreed to our demands, with all of them providing screenshots and videos proving the veracity of their results, which we will soon reveal.
But before you proceed – a warning: these findings may make you question your beliefs about your preferred candidates, Harry Potter, and even the Hogwarts sorting hat itself.
David Hay recently declared war on The War For Auckland. Despite our differences, he was willing to call a ceasefire after we floated the prospect of some Potter-themed self-examination.
Of all the candidates, Hay was the most transparent about his results. He posted a public video on YouTube quoting my email, mulling over each question at length, and explaining his choices.
Hay deserves credit for his commitment to open governance. But it appears this exercise inflicted a heavy toll on his psyche. Shortly after taking the quiz, he pulled out of the mayoral race and endorsed Phil Goff.
Chlöe Swarbrick self-identified as a Ravenclaw, apparently aspiring to its qualities of intelligence, wit and wisdom.
This quiz was a rude awakening.
After a short period of mourning, I asked Swarbrick what Hufflepuff qualities she would bring to her role as mayor.
“Quasi serious answer: despite the popularity of other houses, Hufflepuff is evidently the unsung stalwart,” she said. “I admire the qualities of dedication, hard work, fair play, loyalty and patience, all of which I would bring to the role of Mayor, as a leader who listens, pays heed to expert advice and scientific proof, and works for the people of Auckland.”
Her response shows another important quality she will need as mayor: the ability to make the best of a bad situation.
But the most revealing results were still to come.
Vic Crone was the first to get back to me, proudly showing off her Gryffindor red.
Her fellow centre-right campaigner Mark Thomas was next.
Here’s the bad news, Potter pinkos: your famed boy wizard’s Hogwarts house is a bigger right-wing voter factory than Auckland Grammar*. Every National Party donation of more than $100 may as well come with a free pass to the Gryffindor common room. It’s time to face the facts: Harry Potter is the wizard George W. Bush. Professor McGonagall: more like Professor Margaret Thatcheragall.
Thomas wrote some commentary on his result.
“I see Gryffs are fully willing to bluff, and we like fiery forests (which wouldn’t have helped my Gen Zero score had they known).
“We dislike things that are boring (why I have my iPad with me at every council meeting) but are willing to confront the darkness – which of course explains my actions last week predicting a potential Goff victory!”
Hold that thought, Mark. Maybe you shouldn’t be so down on Goff.
You two have more in common than you ever imagined.
Conflict of Interest disclosure: Hayden Donnell is a member of Slytherin.