Ten stupid toys your kids don’t need for Christmas

TradeMe has just released its list of the Top 10 most-searched toys for 2018. Emily Writes tries to figure out what the hell they are.

It’s true I’ve been looking on TradeMe for every iteration of “Cubby house” available to me with a “pick up Wellington” criteria. None are in my price range. And the ones that were, were literal garbage in the shape of a Cubby House still priced at $100 each because people on TradeMe are outrageous.

So when I was told there was a list of the Top 10 toys for kids, I figured I should look to see if any of them were worth getting for my darling beasts. To my surprise, despite having two children, I could only recognise one name – Monopoly – and even then, I wasn’t entirely sure if it was the Monopoly I know and love. I put myself to the test: could I guess what these toys were? How much are they? Are they good toys?

LOL Surprise Bigger Surprise

What I thought it was: A giant laughing thing that jumps out of something and then while laughing jumps out of a bigger something.

What it actually is: OK it looks like it’s a pink sparkly suitcase full of plastic shit that you also open to reveal more plastic shit. Including, for some unknown reason WIGS that you mix and match. Yes, hair wigs. I don’t even know. I had to know more so I went on their website. L.O.L has nothing to do with “Laugh Out Loud” which the kids probably don’t even say anymore (I say it a lot).  It actually stands for Lil Outrageous Littles. They seem to be tiny dog figurines. But there’s also something called a Poopsie Lime Surprise which could be related. I’m confused and my head hurts.

How much do they cost?: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY COST MORE THAN $100 WHAT THE FUCK.

FurReal Munchin Rex

What I thought it was: Some kind of dinosaur? That is made from real fur?

What it actually is: OK it is a dinosaur but it has no fur. So the name makes no sense. The dinosaur eats broccoli. I don’t know why.

How much is this shit going to cost me?: $85 fucking dollars? What am I a fucking ATM?

Yellies

What I thought it was: A little existential crisis shaped like a doodle.

What it actually is: What kind of MONSTER made a toy that only works when children scream at it? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO PARENTS? These little Yellie turd things are little bugs that kids have to scream at to make them go. The tag is “Yelling makes the Yellies go” proving once and for all that toy makers are infected dick holes.

How much do they cost?: $19 and 30 lorazepam.

Nerf Laser Ops – Deltaburst

What I thought it was: Oh I know what a Nerf gun is actually because I spend my whole life telling my son no, we don’t have guns in this house. And then his father buys him one and we have to go out onto the balcony and whisper fight about it for two hours.

What it actually is: “The Nerf Laser Ops DeltaBurst blaster fires a multi-shot IR burst with each pull of the trigger and registers hits with lights and sounds.” Wow great, just what every future psychopath needs.

How much do they cost?: $99 but your child being that kid at school that all the other children avoid? Priceless.

Pomsies

What I thought it was: I literally have no idea. A Pom Pom making thing?

What it actually is: OK well I saw a picture of it and I still don’t know what it is. It’s a fluffy key ring that makes noises basically.

How much does it cost?  $18. For a furry key ring. Goddamn I’m in the wrong business.

Don’t Step in It

What I thought it was: A game where you’re not meant to step in “it”? I mean, just guessing?

What it actually is: Everything is poo related these days isn’t it? OK, well my kids would love this. It’s fucking stupid. It’s a mat covered in pretend poo. You get blindfolded and you have to walk across the mat and, you guessed it, not step in fake shit.

How much does this cost then?: It’s $39.99. I have a greyhound who weighs 35kg. I could just blindfold the kids and get them to walk across the driveway for free.

Hatchimals Mystery

What I thought it was: By the name I’m guessing it’s a mysterious animal that hatches?

What it actually is: Finally I am right! It’s an egg. With a thing in it. Hold on – “One egg, with four NEW super soft species to discover. Raise yours from baby to toddler to kid. Includes NEW sounds and flying games!” WHAT IS IT? Oh it’s a parrot? It’s a furby?

How much does it cost for this shit? IT IS $78! WHO IS BUYING THIS???? IT’S A FUCKING EGG WITH A PARROT THING IN IT.

Pie Face Cannon

What I thought it was: I’m so tired. Why do you need a canon with a pie with a face in it? Please.

What it actually is: Oh actually we have played this one. Once. My son was given it as a birthday present. You put whipped cream on a hand then the hand hits you in the face and your son screams at you “WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME” and you try to explain it’s a game and then you just have a glass of wine and say “WHAT? WHAT?” to your husband.

How much for a tantrum?: $39

Monopoly Cheaters Edition 

What I thought it was: Monopoly but….I don’t know. What kind of wart cheats in Monopoly?

What it actually is: I think….this is Monopoly but you are meant to cheat? Sounds kind of weird but maybe fun. Certainly better than all this other shit.

How much?: $49. Which is weird because you could just cheat at Monopoly with the Monopoly game you already have.

Chow Crown

What I thought it was: I mean, am I meant to know what a chow crown is? It sounds so gross.

What it actually is: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW. I GIVE UP.


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